I know...
It's been three long, painful weeks since my brother took his life. It feels like an eternity already and we've only just begun. I've struggled to try and make sense of it all, to find understanding. Unanswered questions are constantly swarming my mind. I've wanted to know how he could do it and why he would do it. I am continually reassured with extreme peace but then the very next day or even hour I feel lost again. I go to sleep after reading my scriptures with comfort in my heart, only to wake up the next day to the harsh reality that this is not a nightmare that I will wake up from. This isn't going to go away. And there are some things I will never know in this life. It has taken me a long time to admit that and I expect a lifetime before I can completely accept it. But although I can't know some things there are other things I do know and I will strive each day to hold onto.
I know I'm not the only one going through this. I know I can reach out to others and that we can make it through this together. I know tears are a good thing. I know serving others, especially when you are hurting, is about the best thing you can do. I know that listening to uplifting music has a way of stripping away fear and replacing it with hope within the first few notes. I know that we were given the Book of Mormon and other scriptures for a reason. They are true and bring lasting comfort and peace. Along with the scriptures I have tried to find answers about suicide and depression from articles written by PhD's and psychiatrists. I've found that, although, there is good information to be found I'm left just about as empty as when I began reading. It is only when I read the scriptures and the words of the prophets, ancient and latter-day, that I feel myself begin to truly heal. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27). I know I have a loving Heavenly Father who is watching over me, my family and my brother on the other side. He loves us. I know when I pray to Him that He hears me and He cares about the heartache I'm expressing to Him and He aches with me. I know that my elder brother Jesus Christ knows what my brother was going through and He knows what I am going through now. He suffered the Atonement for this very moment in my life so that He would know how to help me overcome my sadness. We can all be healed from this tragedy and all others only because of the Saviors loving and selfless act of the Atonement. I know that because He was resurrected that someday we can all return to live with Him again. "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there by any more pain" (Revelation 21:4). For all other things that I want to know I will move forward with faith knowing at least that these things are true. And how blessed I feel to know it!
I know I'm not the only one going through this. I know I can reach out to others and that we can make it through this together. I know tears are a good thing. I know serving others, especially when you are hurting, is about the best thing you can do. I know that listening to uplifting music has a way of stripping away fear and replacing it with hope within the first few notes. I know that we were given the Book of Mormon and other scriptures for a reason. They are true and bring lasting comfort and peace. Along with the scriptures I have tried to find answers about suicide and depression from articles written by PhD's and psychiatrists. I've found that, although, there is good information to be found I'm left just about as empty as when I began reading. It is only when I read the scriptures and the words of the prophets, ancient and latter-day, that I feel myself begin to truly heal. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27). I know I have a loving Heavenly Father who is watching over me, my family and my brother on the other side. He loves us. I know when I pray to Him that He hears me and He cares about the heartache I'm expressing to Him and He aches with me. I know that my elder brother Jesus Christ knows what my brother was going through and He knows what I am going through now. He suffered the Atonement for this very moment in my life so that He would know how to help me overcome my sadness. We can all be healed from this tragedy and all others only because of the Saviors loving and selfless act of the Atonement. I know that because He was resurrected that someday we can all return to live with Him again. "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there by any more pain" (Revelation 21:4). For all other things that I want to know I will move forward with faith knowing at least that these things are true. And how blessed I feel to know it!
Chin up girl! Love you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong, Alice! If anyone can make it through this, it's you! Love you, girl!
ReplyDeleteYou are such an example of strength and finding peace in the Gospel. I love that scripture in Revelations - I was reading through Revelations 7 today and there's another reference to it, and I appreciate the Lord's repetition that that will really be the case, that He will take away our tears and our reasons for sorrow and that we will be able to rejoice. We all love you!
ReplyDeleteAnother source of comfort for me has been hymn 293. The words are so touching and such a comfort to pull me through such times as these. Know that we are thinking of you and praying for you.
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